cccchuckles

I thought I was over the emotinal eating binge thingy. This past week, work got a little crazy, I got angry with all the BS, and ate, ate, ate. I really thought that I could handle myself a little better than before. I wanted things in this order: 1. Food,  2. Cigarette, 3. Alcohol, 4. Drugs.

1.Food..I love crunky potato chips. When I eat them I can drown out the world and all its problems.

2. Cigarettes..I stopped smoking around 20 some years ago. Now I have smoke during those years, but usually the urge hits me around Thanksgiving, Christmas time, when I know I will be spending time with family.

 3. Alcohol…Like smoking, I made a choice that I didn’t want to drink anymore. But I had Citrus Vodak, and it tasted good!!!

4. Drugs…Well what can I say…I need to escape.

I guess two out of four isn’t too bad. I don’t know what to do when this emotional stuff comes up. I’ve tried meditation, yoga, deep breaths, etc. Went for a walk and ended up hurting my legs because I was walking so hard. During the last year or so, I’ve spend alot of time crying, for various reasons, but this week came on me like an elephant. A herd of elephants that just wanted to trample me into the ground.

Whew, hopefully next week will be better.

Last night I read an article in Self Magazine, October edition, that really inspired me. The article captured the author’s journey on her weight lost from 360 pounds to 240. With her lost, she went hiking, exploring the mountains near her home and the Grand Canyon. This is what I want to do!! This is what I’m going to do. I read Robert’s blog of his hiking/camping trip and was truly amazed.

I’ve been thinking alot about why I want to lose weight. But its not just about the weight. Its about getting healthy. Its about being able to walk up the stairs without having to take a break or looking for a chair when I get to the top. It’s about not having to take all these medicines because things are just not okay with me. It’s about going to an amusement park and not standing on the sidelines too scare to even try to get on the rides for fear that I won’t fit. The same feeling when boarding a plane. There’s always that dreadful moment when the “seat belt” sign goes on and I wonder, will it  fit.

It’s about getting out in nature and enjoying life instead of watching others do what I want to do, deep down in my soul. I want to go shopping with friends and NOT have to go to a seperate store, area, or department(usually all the way in the back corner). I want to complete a yoga class and not feel complete fat because I couldn’t do all the poses.

Now that my mother is ill, I remember times when I caught her looking at me with what I interpreted to be disgust. She never said anything to me, or hinted to that feeling. But I just could not shake that image. Now of course, I would do anything to have that her look at me that way. Anyway for my mom, but really for me, I want to be healthy.

I do know that once I regain my health, the skies are not going to open, a choir will not sing, I won’t be skipping around, happy-go-lucky every minute. But I hope to feel better.

For the first time in my life, I feel fat. I’ve always been heavier than others, but I never let that get me down. I never had to go through life like I’ve read countless times being tease by my weight, except once.

In high school, this jock, you know the type, football, baseball, and “funnyman”, said something that made his friends laugh at me. I politely turned and flip them the “bird” and kept on going. That’s how I always handle anything negative. But now, I feel fat and uncomfortable.

I actually lost weight before I joined this site, and went down a couple of dress sizes, but I feel sooooo fat. My stomach feels huge, my arms feel tight and my thighs and legs feel big.

Maybe its psychological? I don;t know.

On to other things…..I’d tried the soy cream cheese and actually like it. Couldn’t tell it wasn’t the animal stuff. Weight myself today and was down 2 pds. Wahoo?

Coming off an extremely rough emotional weekend. The only thing I did was eat and cry. In that order.

Just finishing reading “Dr. Neal Barnard’s Program forReversing Diabetes”. Pretty good book if it works. So yesterday was day 1 of the 21 day trial. No animal product what so ever. Didn’t think it was going to be that hard because I haven’t eaten beef or pork for more than 15 years, and haven’t eaten chicken since February(long story for another time). You also have to abstain from obsessive oil and fried food, etc. What really hurt like a knife through my heart was letting go of cheese and butter. I throw cheese on everything.

The book also talked about Volumetrics. After going to the store last night, everything I picked up would not qualify according to this theory. So I got alot of soy based products (cheese, mayo, yogurt, tofu) and have to figure out something.

I did cheat a little and purchased two small bags of potatoe chip. Small only compared to the large family bag. Okay usually I could eat a bag in one sitting and still want more, but I didn’t. I don’t know what it is about chips, but the crunch can calm my nerves, stop anxiety attacks  do everything that drugs can do. But I haven’t had any for about two weeks and last night was like a taste of heaven for me.

Had the soy yogurt this morning. Its a taste you have to get use to. I mixed a small apple, raisin and granola into it, it was okay, but it won’t be a staple in my diet, at least not yet.

I walked yesterday for about 40 mins. Didn’t feel like it today, maybe the chips really can make me feel out of sort. Just a thought.

Until next time.

I am so excited. this is my first blog. I’ve always read others and thought about starting one myself, but then I don’t.

Wish I can say that this is my first time attempting to get a handle on this weight thing, but it isn’t. But this time it’s really going to happen going to happen.